More straight-to-video titles in our promotion pile (I'm not making any of these up!)
- 7 Mujeres, 1 homosexual y Carlos: A film by Rene Bueno that doesn't look all that bueno. Fortunately, for those who don't speak Spanish, the title is helpfully translated into English on the DVD cover. Its key selling point, according to VideoStore Magazine's quote on the back, is that "Spanish language films are hot!" The sequel, 7 Mujeres, 2 homosexual, Carlos y El Bumblebee Man is slated for an '06 release.
- What's happened to Cary Elwes? He stars in the generically titled American Crime, with the tag line: "Somebody is watching...Somebody is taping... Somebody is planning... TO MURDER YOU." Isn't that a Cole Porter song?
- Target of Opportunity: Another dully titled genre pic, this one is a "high-powered, adrenaline-packed action adventure" about CIA agents who were childhood friends and jungles, arms dealings, mysterious woman, dangerous mission, blah blah, this one was spit out of a computer
- Glass Trap: C. Thomas Howell stars in this "terrifying film from cult horror director Fred Olen Ray that will make your skin crawl" - It sure made mine! Key selling point (as listed on the box): "Huge fan base for flesh-eating creature features!"
- The Slaughterhouse Massacre, which is "more frightening than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (Independent Film Quarterly). "What started off as a harmless joke," reads the tagline, "turned into a deadly nightmare." And they don't mean the writing of the screenplay either. I wonder if this is a sequel to The Massacrehouse Slaughter?
- Someone please tell National Lampoon to stop sponsoring movies. Does anyone younger than me even know what the National Lampoon was? (They were like The Onion of its time, except more of the sniggering frat humor variety, except often very funny.. but the name and legacy have been tarnished by films like...) National Lampoon's Going the Distance, "in the bawdy tradition of American Pie and Eurotrip." Special appearance by Avril Lavigne. (She might have just been walking by the set when they illicitly photographed her.)
Last but least, in the "Huh?" title dept.:
- Hollywood Flies. "Thrown together by chance...like flies in a web." Starring Casper Van Dien and Vinnie Jones, and poor Brad Renfro.
Everyone can make a movie! And they do.
PS: On the other hand, porn titles rock, even if they're the only clever thing about them. How can you not like a title like "Fort Knockers"? I'm sure the movie's absolutely abhorrent, but still...